hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
