My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
