She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
