Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
