My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
