I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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