Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
