UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
