Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
