is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
