New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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