I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
