I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
