if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Randomize
