Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
