Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
