peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I believe in your delicious
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
