i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
