Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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