Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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