Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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