Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
