Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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