Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
i think my cat just said my name.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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