maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
