somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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