I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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