i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
