i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
