Everything about him screamed your future.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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