new low.... made out with someone while peeing
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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