i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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