Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
