i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
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