he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
