The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
