On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
