I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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