omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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