Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
