just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
