I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
