I think I won the penis lottery.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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