so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
