i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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