Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
