I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
