I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
even my farts smell like vagina
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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