Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
When are your genitals available?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
