I must be too annoying 4 u.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
