There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
