uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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