i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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