Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
